what I really meant to say was that I was going to sit in my room and listen to isakov. because that’s one of the only thing that sounds good to me right now. I like ideas, I just don’t like acting them out. I like thinking, and I like being by myself…but I think I like being around people more… for a moment, at least. I like being by myself because then there’s no one to judge me, and I can just sit in my thoughts and sit and sit and that will be what it is. and no one can break into that, because those things are mine. and I can try to reflect, but my long term memory is shot to hell and I’ll never be happy about that. those memories that made me who I am, I can’t get them back. I’ll never have those pieces. maybe I can’t remember them because I didn’t want to. that’s just one excuse, a justification. I remember all things petty, anything irrelevant. your favorite color, birth date, brother’s name. that time you went running up your gravel driveway, tripped, and then found yourself with a 3 inch scar on your left hip.  I remember when you told me not to tell Paula you got arrested. you were worried of what she would think, that she would be disappointed in you. I was jealous of that relationship. I remember being disappointed in you.  I don’t think Paula was though.  I remember when Paula reached out to me two years ago, I was at a low point. so many people came out of the wood work then. helping hands. I still have that letter from 2003, you would watch me. I was too young to know how to disguise my pain, or to think anyone would even notice.  that was my first taste of being figured out, feeling like someone could see into me — regardless of an invitation.  the letter was right, I was acting the way I was — to keep a distance between myself, and how I actually felt about everything that was going on. since then I have learned to deal with things as they come, though it has been a slow process, and I am still working at it. and I want to be healthy, and stable, and ready to progress.. but I’m at a loss that I do not let understand.  I will not forgive myself for quite some time for quitting my medicine in the way that I did, on a whim. “you should never do that. it will make you go crazy.” sick, and crazy. they don’t control you, but you need them - you do. find the time, you know you have it, to talk to someone. maybe they can help you be without the pills. until then, you need to stay on point and you’re not at a place right now where going crazy is an option. you can’t handle it. just like you couldn’t handle it then.