I’d go home tomorrow but I feel like I have obligations to things that I can’t remember. Every day it’s, “maybe I’ll go home.” I never do. Maybe I’ll — you know you won’t.

This class I keep skipping seems to be working in my favor, each time I check my e-mail after I’ve missed the class, “Dear all, Class today has been canceled.” I won’t complain, I just wish there was more of an excuse for me to be so ready to cut my ties with my education.  Not completely, just for right now.  I need some time, I know - again. Again I need more time to sort myself out. I’m not going to apologize for wanting to think things through, to not wast my time - or money, on something I’m not sure about. And yeah - there can be upsides to all those experiences, but when those experiences require gen. eds. in fields that play zero part in your daily life, or chosen career path? Maybe later. Maybe when I’m serious about it. It’s not just about my time, it’s about those people who want to be there - who need active peers and a good environment to learn in. I can’t provide that right now.

I was telling Tori last night about my anxiety ~manifesting~ itself in different areas of my life, since coming off my medication nearly two weeks ago. I don’t even know if it’s been that long, and I don’t even know if that’s long enough to see a difference, or if I’ll even notice one — or if this is just an anxiety based off being anxious that I’m off my pills.  Just knowing that I have nothing controlling me anymore, that I’m left alone to fend for myself, nervous to function on my own emotions instead of some watered down, numb, indifferent version of me. My libido is getting out of hand, I forgot that was my norm. All I know is that what I can feel myself being ‘scared’ of now, will be much easier to deal with than what I was ‘scared’ of, pre-meds. And that — if anything, makes my stint on medication worth while.

I always forget how long I’ve been at the apartment. It’s weird that I live here, and that I spend as much time here as I do. It still feels like I’m only spending the night.

When I went home a few weeks ago I could see the stars, and I could smell fresh air - and there were mountains in the distance, and fields - of course there were fields. I saw lots of old faces, the ones that you forget keep moving when you’re not around - and not in the sense that your existence keeps them going, but in hat you only know them in that moment when they’re around, and when you see them again, and they’re not the same as  you remembered - you realize where you’ve been, and that just as much as you’ve grown, changed, etc. so have they…And they you may feel neglectful. But don’t forget that friendships are two way streets, though you could have, upon this realization, made a bit more effort.  You’ll try harder next time.

But you never do, just like when you talk about going home - it stays just that, talk.