growing pains vs. the present

it’s such a thrill to see how many people I went to [all girls, totally homophobic,among other things…] summer camp with, have come out.

I was there was an appropriate way for me to gather them all up so we can discuss the internalized guilt/homophobia we all suffer from due to our summers away. at least, I hope I can relate to them on that level. it would be nice to get those things off my chest and not be judged.

and not to say that my time at camp was not a positive one in other aspects, camp was a huge part of my life - I made some of my best friends there, whom I unfortunately, due to that guilt mentioned previously - I have lost contact with. the fear of being ridiculed for my lifestyle, or the thought that some of them may decide that it best we not communicate any longer - has pushed me away. the inevitable beat the inevitable to the punch.

I just want to be able to have those conversations with people who identify within the same community as I do, who grew up in the same place and with some of the same people that I did. I think it would help me fight off some of those guilt demons. maybe it will help my hate myself less for things that I cannot control.

and maybe then I can start thinking about making an effort to ~come out to the rest, officially. cutting down that grape vine, and giving them the facts. this is who I am, this is who I have always been.

until then.